The Irrationality of Interpersonal Dynamics The Irrationality of Interpersonal Dynamics
Do you sometimes find yourself being too nice [when you would have been happy, had others been just frank with you in a similar situation], or go out of your way to help others [when you would have been happier to have left alone fending for yourself in a similar situation]? Do you find yourself giving large doles – literally or figuratively [less than people much more endowed than you]?
If yes – kudos for stretching yourself that extra bit, in the interest of larger community. This is most certainly a product of an inner urge to improve life around you. But step back for a moment. In the process of helping others, do you sometimes get stressful and uncomfortable to the point where your own peace of mind is threatened/compromised?
That is the crux of the topic. I am assuming that all of us must have experienced such a situation. Sometimes [or oftentimes] this behavior of extending oneself to others becomes a habit. And it is the expected irrational response from the other person, which makes us uncomfortable.
The counter premise runs like this: it is our expectation of irrational behavior (in most cases) that is the actual irrationality. The other person will, in most cases, be rational. In all probability we would have trained ourselves to be irrational and thus would have trained the other person to also behave sub-optimally. That is the person, starts behaving in a way you expect, as a sub-conscious/conscious response to the expectation. This may only deepen our irrationality and reinforce our behavior.
In reality the other person will have no self-interest in being irrational. In fact it will / must be damaging him more that it damages you/us. Our perception of the expectation is the biggest culprit, and it is that trap we have to work out of [and in a few cases help the other person get out of it]. This is an addiction – the same reason why a smoker smokes and a kleptomaniac steals. Like the victim of addiction that needs therapy, we also need a therapy to get out of this behaviour. Just that, in these cases – we need to be our own therapist. This is an opportunity—although it may not be the easiest of opportunities to benefit from. He who confronts the opportunity however, will be happier and much more effective.
How do we convert this insight [even we you were to, willy nilly, not accept it as an insight] into useful action? The first step is to identify and accept such situations that demotivate and stress us. It will serve us well to imagine five situations in which we would behave in an uncomfortable manner, and then sort it out. By doing so, we will be one step better.
The next step is to talk / behave in a way that you would want/expect someone else to behave with you and not how you expect the other person to behave with you. –In the process you will have to fight the ingrained instincts of getting trapped by the perceived discomfort of the moment. Maybe you can envision the benefits of sustainable unwiring of the victim-aggressor game and motivate yourself to take the first and the most difficult step.
It might be worth adding that one way of confronting is to pre-create [borrowed this term from Stephen Covey] the expected reactions from the other side, and plan your appropriate responses. This reduces the sense of uncertainty of trying a new behavior, and also gives one the desired confidence to try a new response. It would probably be useful to start something really small and slowly build on the gains from experience of the same.
Also, as soon as we can look at the situation as the third person, the fear of irrational behaviour in the other person will be proved wrong, and automatically this will help retrain our instincts. In the unlikely situation where the other person would have behaved irrationally, we must keep trying to behave in a more rational manner. Once we show consistency in demonstrating a rational behaviour the other person will get retrained in a few attempts. In a reasonable timeframe, we will stop being a slave of our own conditionings.
So, that is my story of the irrationality of interpersonal dynamics. The story of creating demons in the mind and then working towards removing them. The demons get created in a state of perceived vulnerability and the demons get decimated when we build greater self-assurance. Self-assurance through good habits of precreation, preparation and impersonal observation.
1st Draft Jun 27, 2011/
Final edits Jul 26, 2011
Bhubaneshwar
Do you sometimes find yourself being too nice [when you would have been happy, had others been just frank with you in a similar situation], or go out of your way to help others [when you would have been happier to have left alone fending for yourself in a similar situation]? Do you find yourself giving large doles – literally or figuratively [less than people much more endowed than you]?
If yes – kudos for stretching yourself that extra bit, in the interest of larger community. This is most certainly a product of an inner urge to improve life around you. But step back for a moment. In the process of helping others, do you sometimes get stressful and uncomfortable to the point where your own peace of mind is threatened/compromised?
That is the crux of the topic. I am assuming that all of us must have experienced such a situation. Sometimes [or oftentimes] this behavior of extending oneself to others becomes a habit. And it is the expected irrational response from the other person, which makes us uncomfortable.
The counter premise runs like this: it is our expectation of irrational behavior (in most cases) that is the actual irrationality. The other person will, in most cases, be rational. In all probability we would have trained ourselves to be irrational and thus would have trained the other person to also behave sub-optimally. That is the person, starts behaving in a way you expect, as a sub-conscious/conscious response to the expectation. This may only deepen our irrationality and reinforce our behavior.
In reality the other person will have no self-interest in being irrational. In fact it will / must be damaging him more that it damages you/us. Our perception of the expectation is the biggest culprit, and it is that trap we have to work out of [and in a few cases help the other person get out of it]. This is an addiction – the same reason why a smoker smokes and a kleptomaniac steals. Like the victim of addiction that needs therapy, we also need a therapy to get out of this behaviour. Just that, in these cases – we need to be our own therapist. This is an opportunity—although it may not be the easiest of opportunities to benefit from. He who confronts the opportunity however, will be happier and much more effective.
How do we convert this insight [even we you were to, willy nilly, not accept it as an insight] into useful action? The first step is to identify and accept such situations that demotivate and stress us. It will serve us well to imagine five situations in which we would behave in an uncomfortable manner, and then sort it out. By doing so, we will be one step better.
The next step is to talk / behave in a way that you would want/expect someone else to behave with you and not how you expect the other person to behave with you. –In the process you will have to fight the ingrained instincts of getting trapped by the perceived discomfort of the moment. Maybe you can envision the benefits of sustainable unwiring of the victim-aggressor game and motivate yourself to take the first and the most difficult step.
It might be worth adding that one way of confronting is to pre-create [borrowed this term from Stephen Covey] the expected reactions from the other side, and plan your appropriate responses. This reduces the sense of uncertainty of trying a new behavior, and also gives one the desired confidence to try a new response. It would probably be useful to start something really small and slowly build on the gains from experience of the same.
Also, as soon as we can look at the situation as the third person, the fear of irrational behaviour in the other person will be proved wrong, and automatically this will help retrain our instincts. In the unlikely situation where the other person would have behaved irrationally, we must keep trying to behave in a more rational manner. Once we show consistency in demonstrating a rational behaviour the other person will get retrained in a few attempts. In a reasonable timeframe, we will stop being a slave of our own conditionings.
So, that is my story of the irrationality of interpersonal dynamics. The story of creating demons in the mind and then working towards removing them. The demons get created in a state of perceived vulnerability and the demons get decimated when we build greater self-assurance. Self-assurance through good habits of precreation, preparation and impersonal observation.
1st Draft Jun 27, 2011/
Final edits Jul 26, 2011
Bhubaneshwar
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