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The Intrigue of My Self Image

Like a normal human being I have a self image. It is this self-image which gets me going, smugly. Here I am not going into the different layers of inner fears which afflict our self-image. My perception of the self image is the simple and innate justification which I [like everyone else] have for my self-dignity, sound sleep and the general feeling that I am doing quite ok.

Well, coming back to the main track. I have gotten to realize my self-image is not based on my actions. It is at best linked to my intentions & aspirations, and most likely it is more based on my perceptions of what should be my intentions & aspirations. As I talk stock objectively, I realize that there is a huge gap in my self-image and in terms of past outcomes.

This is very interesting. The self image is protected or often amplified based on what I want to do; but in reality there is gap based on facts. This takes me back to my sociology class in my b-school. We learnt, that if an affliction is with one person only then it could be person dependent disease. However if an affliction is wide-spread then it is a systemic deficiency or a disease. I am citing this line of thinking, because I feel that this is applicable for almost the human race. It is not just because I am an incorrigible narcissist that I notice this affliction in myself. I think I see this in almost all us – if we ask ourselves this question and seek answers objectively, we will feel there is this gap with reality and self-image. More importantly this gap keeps getting perpetuated for decades, till we die.

Where does this gap start from and why does it get perpetuated? This question has kept coming back to me again and again. I want to attempt some answers, with due humility and realization that I may change my view in quick time. Firstly like other I have good intentions therefore I have a genuine positive intent which sows the seed of self image. Secondly, there is this sub-conscious conditioning that as humans we have our limits and we are entitled to them. This gives the prop of justification to the fallibilities. So far so good. The problem is, we give ourselves the props even when these fallibilities we would normally not be charitable to when we see in others.

For example, in missing a deadline, or keeping a person waiting, or sleeping that extra bit, procrastinating reading that book, having a mail unanswered, losing patience for apparent no reason with the other person; not shedding that extra kilo or inch which was planned 12 months back; missing an office target; making that super duper silly mistake – for which one would derided any other person; getting irritated clumsily with a minor mistake of some one else [which I might have done myself]. The list can be long – from the mundane to the important. From the realm of inter-personal to self-discipline.

I guess we get magnanimous with myself [ourselves] because of my [our] sub-conscious sense of our personal limits [at a particular point in time], which makes me [us] feel that I [we] have done enough to deserve my [our] slice of sound sleep and societal dignity. I would like to emphasize the word ‘sub-conscious’ here. For me many times it a particular nerve of mine [the one running upto the face from knees, inner thighs, through the back] which is always in a state of ‘sub-conscious’ pain which leads to me running away from it and hence committing the blunders which I wouldn’t want myself or others to do.

I realize the root cause of my dichotomy is one innate belief in ones right to survive and inadequate self knowledge. While the former is most reasonable, the unreasonable attachment to the same blinds us from knowing when we are failing because of a weakness. Because of the fear of decimation, instead of confronting the weakness and overcoming the challenge; we push it under the carpet and lose the opportunity to be aware of it and overcome it. As result our subtle physiological weakness remain for years un-noticed. So do their psychological manifestations and our blindness to them. Hence the self-perpetuating gap in the self-image. The more I look at myself, the more I realize my fallibilities of the mind are in the body. In different subtle nooks and nerves.

The solution, I realize, is not is correcting my self image. The solution lies in moving the mediocre physiological instinct from the sub-conscious to the conscious. In confronting the debilitating instincts which despite the best of intentions pull ourselves back. That is possible through a variety of self knowledge techniques. These techniques can work wonders in practiced with sincerity and diligence.

The first step of learning, I guess is when I realize that there is a mis-match between a particular action / outcome vs my image. With that as I trigger, starts the potentially wonderful and enthralling knowledge of picking the nook of mediocrity and enjoying the battle with one’s own tantrums and games of denial and hide-and-seek.

Interestingly, the more I play this game the more I realize my self-image is not aligned with myself. Lo! Behold; I tell myself, how did I live my life with all these mediocrities. It seems all the good things I did was out of sheer will and a coincidence and all the weaknesses were natural and inevitable. Quite humbling. Is it the way we human beings live our lives?. The self knowledge, gives the due humility to dig deeper into oneself and gnaw at the ‘innocuous’ demons and their debilitating tendencies.

Why did I write all this? Not that this is anything fundamentally, different from what I have guessed or what I have written about earlier [http://unmuddlings.blogspot.com/2010/10/contrarian-view.html]. The urge to write about it, came with rekindling of empirical knowledge. The sudden excitement of a realization of truth. And the learning its our behaviour in the moments of truth – i.e. those, when we inevitably do things which are mis-aligned from our self image – which determine our future gap between us and our self-image. how often can we accept our fallibility and not justify our mediocrity [in the dangerously innocuous garbs of arrogance or the release of a self-gratifying prophecy] in these moments of truth determine the quantum of happiness/awareness [read effortlessness in action] we have versus the degree of monotony/ignorance [read sense of being pushed around by circumstance].

In that sense, I should have probably christened this piece ‘Moments of Truth’, but let the first title remain for now.

Bhubaneshwar
March 25, 2011

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